Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Randomize
