My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
