I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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