why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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