apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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