I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
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