best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
