we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
i now understand why vodka
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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