who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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