mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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