You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
