I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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