I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
