why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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