I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
