well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
