so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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