dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Come on in and take your pants off
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