So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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