i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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