have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
