I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
