Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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