I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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