Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
