Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
