everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
