so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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