Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
