We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
