Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
