I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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