You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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