just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Randomize
