I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I am available for nakedness
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
