dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
