im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
