My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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