I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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