Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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