Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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