I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
