she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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