I think I won the penis lottery.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
