Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
