Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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