I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
