Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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