the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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