I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
This baby is an asshole
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
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